Today is the day

I feel broken, I feel crazy, I feel ridiculous. A good majority of the time I feel out of syn with myself and everything around, like somehow my reality is just off a little. I feel insecure, and severely, consistently overwhelmed. There's a lot to life, that I just don't get. In the meantime, I'm left with all these emotions to process and categorize, but somehow I don't have the instruction manual on how to do that. I must have forgotten to pack mine before I came to earth. Does it ever feel like everyone else is put together and you are barely keeping it all from falling apart?

OK. So, I'm trying this new thing called honesty and it's frightening at the moment. I don't know who all reads this, so it's mostly for me. A way to get everything out there. I suppose I just need a little bit of validation that I do exist, and I'm not just a number in the crowd. I am me, and I am good just as I am. That right there is perhaps the hardest to grasp. I feel that I've gone backwards. In high school, I knew what I wanted, I graduated with honors, and I graduated early. I felt confident, and directed and full of purpose and ambition. Now I feel insecure, unsure, and afraid. I don't like it, and aim to change that. I think the biggest problem is that I just think about me too often. haha, insecurity is just another form of vanity. It's all about me, me, me. But if it can't be about me on my blog, then really where can it? I rest my case. So, propriety, and pretentiousness aside, I'll try to be me. Most of the time, I care too much about hurting someone's feelings, or what other people think to say anything of substance. So, out with the fluff and in with everything else. It may not be pretty, but I'm ok with that.

So, If you are still reading, here's what I think. Life is... something else. That's about all I've got. I'm not going to get all deep and philosophical on you. I'm participating in a counseling group for my psychology class and it's interesting so far. It's once a week, and only women. It's actually somewhat comforting to be in a group of woman and just listen. We are all varying ages and backgrounds. I want to be a psychologist, a counselor more specifically. How, though, do I deal with all the hurt? There may not be an answer sometimes and all people are left with is the pain? How do you deal with that? I love people, and I want to help people and have a tendency to carry with them their pain and hurt. It makes me think about The Giver, one of my favorite books. Would it be better if we were all more innocent and didn't have to deal with the pain? Somedays... maybe. Just look at all the ways people try to escape their hurt, anger, and sorrow. So, pain is inevitable, but how do we as people process the grief, pain, anguish and move on, or how do we deal with it in healthy and productive ways? Moreover, how do we focus on appreciating the things that are good. There are a lot of them.

I've been having an identity crisis, among others, but I'll talk more about that later. I miss and love a lot of people and hope everyone is doing well. I think about you all the time. PS I'm tired of secrets. It's not all so bad.

As for 99 red balloons, I really like this song and have it stuck in my head. I love the line, Back at base, bugs in the softwareFlash the message, "Some thing's out there"

Something is out there, something inexplicable, and all encompassing and wonderful. There is definitely more to this than meets the eye. Everything is more complex than it first appears, but not always in a bad of complicated way. Things, I think can be complex and simple. I am a little tired, and am rambling. Good Night.


You and I, and a little toy shop
Buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one, they were gone

Back at base, bugs in the software
Flash the message, "Some thing's out there"
Floating in the summer sky
Ninety-nine red balloons go by

Ninety-nine red balloons
Floating in the summer sky
Panic lads, it's a red alert
There's something here from somewhere else

The war machine springs to life
Opens up one eager eye
Focusing it on the sky
Ninety-nine red balloons go by

Ninety-nine Decision Street
Ninety-nine ministers meet
To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry

This is what we've waiting for
This is it boys, this is war
The President is on the line
As ninety-nine red balloons go by

Ninety-nine knights of the air
Riding super high-tech jet fighters
Everyone's a super hero
Everyone's a Captain Kirk

With orders to identify, to clarify and classify
Scrambling in the summer sky
As ninety-nine red balloons go by
Ninety-nine red balloons go by

Ninety-nine dreams I have had
Every one a red balloon
Now it's all over and I'm standin' pretty
In this dust that was a city

If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go