On Being A Mom.

I'm so overwhelmed when I stop to think about it. I've always wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but the idea was always the intangible "someday". It seemed natural that someday it would happen, but so foreign when I really thought about it. It's overwhelming to think of all the responsibilities of being a mom, and during pregnancy, the imminence of it all made me beyond anxious and in all honesty, completely terrified. Would I be any good? What if I damaged the baby in some irreparable way, what if something bad happens, what if he gets into drugs and alcohol, what if I can't handle it?! and then he was born.

I feel like something that was missing, some deep integral part of me that is absolutely vital to my existence has been found, only I didn't know it was missing before. I feel larger in some way, not just thanks to all the weight I've gained, but emotionally I feel deeper, more expansive. I am happy. I was happy before, but this is different. I'm happy to get up in the morning, heck I'm happy to get up in the middle of the night! Anyone that knows me knows how much I love sleep and what a change this is. I get up around 5:00 now most days. I've been lucky when it has come to a lot of things with Alexander and I'm not taking that lightly, or trying to brag. I have had some normal moodiness but for the most part I have been so content, so happy, is it redundant yet? When I got home the first night, I cried to Kevin. No, I bawled. I wasn't upset though, I was overwhelmed by how trivial everything before Alex now seemed. I didn't know what I'd waited so long for! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he came when he did and not a few years earlier, but I couldn't imagine life without him even a few days later. I cried because I was and am so in love.

I feel like my marriage has improved, we're a team now more than ever, and I am so much more appreciative of what Kevin does to help. He also has been so much more appreciative, verbally, of all that I do. I have to admit too, it might be because I'm actually doing a lot more. I didn't realize how selfish I was before. On that note, I have improved. I was so worried about the house being perfect, staying on schedule, and all the little things that really don't matter, and really aren't all that controllable anyway. Now, I get done what I can, when I can, between taking care of Alex. I am so much more productive! Ironically, I am also so much more relaxed.

I know that it will get harder and there will be days and times and incidents that will seem like too much. I've had one or two of those already, but then I hold him, or watch him sleep, or even just smell his little baby head and forget.

The worries that I had before are still there, but I'm taking it a day at a time. When Aubrey was in AA she would talk about the Serenity prayer. "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference." I love this. It's a good reminder for anybody. I can't control the world around me, and I can't make all of Alexander's choices for him as he goes through life, but I can do my best to raise him right and to teach him what is right. I can control what kind of mom I am and will be. I'll do my best and pray to God that He and Kevin make up the difference for all of my failings and inadequacies. Somehow everything will be OK.