Post-Partum Depression and other good stuff

Now that I've had some time to get my bearing, feel more like myself and less like someone I don't recognize I can write about what's been going on. I went to the Dr. almost 3 months post-partum for my six week check up. I'd missed the original appointment and hadn't gotten around to it before. Anyway the Dr. came in, or maybe she's a PA, I don't know but I do know that I like her and she's great to talk to. I'd filled out a questionnaire about anxiety and depression and feeling sad. Most of my scores were 1s and 0s with higher marks on the anxiety questions. I'm not depressed, I'm not sad but I'm anxious and stressed all the time. 

Apparently I scored high enough that it merited talking about. So Paula, the PA maybe Dr., asked me how I was feeling and her "I'm-safe-to-talk-to-and-really-want-to-know" demeanor caused a crack in the dam of emotion I didn't realize I'd been holding back. I proceeded to ugly cry and all the pent up stress just flooded out. I can't remember the last time I lost it like that. I was embarrassed despite her reassurances but it did feel good that someone knew how I was feeling and could give me some insight.

She said I was likely dealing with some post-partum depression, not just now but since Alexander because my levels of anxiety increased most after having him and just never went away. I chalked it up to the fear of having a piece of my heart out in the open in the form of my son and knowing that I may not always be able to protect him. 

I know that bad things happen. I still think fairly often about getting hit by the drunk driver on that freeway in ND. I know that we walked away from that by the grace of God and I can't imagine that happening now with my kids in the car. No, wait, I can and that's part of the problem. Even Facebook is a constant display of tragedy after tragedy and crisis after crisis. My mind is constantly going a mile a minute considering the worst instead of focusing on the here and now. 

I'm not overwhelmed with the task of motherhood itself. I'm overwhelmed by a fear and anxiety of the possibility or seeming inevitability of tragedy and the fact that life is unpredictable. I'm overwhelmed by being a mother in a world that feels increasingly evil and treacherous and I'm torn that I have to split my focus between my babies and school. 

 I'm used to having things operate at a certain level but because we have so much going on at once with both of us in school and Kevin doing AFROTC (which is like a full-time job at this point) and starting another job I'm having to compromise those expectations. I keep thinking that if I just manage my time better it's all possible and there's no reason I can't do it; that I just need to be more disciplined, but it comes at a price. If I make it all happen then I have absolutely nothing left over for myself at the end of the day and have to get up the next day and do it all over again with no reprieve or relief. The pressure builds and builds until you just have to call your sister and cry, which I did. 

I felt like this...

So between my irrational fears and impossible standards I've been feeling run down. I started falling behind in school, feeling distant from my husband, isolated and anti-social and overall exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I just felt drained. The worst part though was that I felt like I couldn't fall apart because my family needed me. Kevin was under a lot of stress as well, is actually, because there are so many things demanding his time and attention and I didn't feel like he'd be able to handle it if he knew how I was feeling or had to pick up my slack. 

So like I said, I called my sister and cried then talked to my mom and after class about a week ago broke down one bad night, had a panic attack and Kevin had to deal with both babies and me all crying at the same time. I was wrong and he handled it just fine. 

Paula prescribed exercise and recommended Vitamin D to start with. I felt better after I cried and started to tell people how I was feeling. I have an incredible husband and an amazingly supportive family. I know that what I'm feeling is somewhat environmental and somewhat chemical. I'm hoping the Vitamin D and a cleaner diet help with the anxiety, I've realized sugar makes it worse. My wonderful madre sent me some SamE which I'm really grateful for and looking forward to since it's helped me in the past. 

Kevin and I are now on the same page and ready to finish out this last year. I'm feeling a little more relaxed and capable just knowing he understands how I've been feeling and is willing and wanting to help and allow me time to get out and study.

I want my degree. I am not going to pay on student loans for nothing and will finish come hell or high water. I have two quarters left and then I'm done and it'll be worth it. I love school and have high aspirations academically and even professionally but my babies won't be young forever and I'm looking forward to being a stay at home mom. 

So now after all of that here are some pictures. This was one of the first of Ellie and she looks so itty bitty!

She had some nasty reflux going on the first couple of weeks, poor baby, but it seems to have resolved itself. She hasn't spit up in weeks, but when she did it was a lot and usually all over me.

We've used the B.O.B. frequently, so happy with it. Both babies enjoy getting out in the fresh air and it's enjoyable for me as well. I've been using it for jogging in addition to walks. Hoping it doesn't snow too soon so I can get as much use out of it this year as possible. When Alex decides it's time for a walk he just climbs in and waits...

Alexander took the glasses off of the build-a-bear and tried them on. I hope he got Kevin's eyes and won't need glasses but if he does at least he'll be adorable.

On Wednesdays Kevin has to wear his uniform so I put the kids in their camo too. Here's hers...

She's gained great weight and has sooo many kissable baby rolls. I love it. It's amazing how much she has grown. We've also taken to calling her Cici. I think it started out by calling her sister/sissy in reference to Alex and just took off from there. 

I don't think she looks a whole lot like Alex as a baby. His face was more round while hers is a little longer and angular and then of course she actually has hair. Anyway, I can't get enough of this face.

or this one.

I love that I've been given the blessing and privilege of raising these two beautiful people. My heart feels full. I don't know where life will take us or what the future holds but I take comfort in the big picture and know that it'll always be ok in the end. Things will work out.